HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Gboa!!! Boom!!!  

My heart misses a beat. The New Year’s near in Lagos and the morons on my street are at it again. The recurrent heart wrenching explosions of the firecrackers and bangers mingles with the cacophony of various voices and music from church speakers holding services heralding the so called New Year, 2012. The last banger that exploded near my left ear on Christmas Eve nearly made me deaf and it was thrown by a puny little malnourished child under the watchful condoning eyes of older people and parents (I’ve seen so many fingers that have been blown off by these innocuous looking things). There was a war that day on my street; kids were throwing these mini bombs at themselves across the divide that was a road bisecting our street, the cheers and sounds they made as they bombed their rivals sounding mirthless to my ears. The main supplier of ‘weapons’ was a woman, an ‘arms dealer’ that was unfortunately my favorite phone recharge card seller.

It was funny how it all looked normal in my hood, a sharp contrast to the highbrow area on the island where I had just attended a quiet Christian service. There was no noise, no explosions, just robust and sometimes fat kids with their parents. And it’s funny, remembering it right now as I write this piece, it sought of reminds me of the current Nigerian situation.

God please safeguard our future

My street, the bisecting divide, the same people recognized an imaginary man made barrier, created camps and threw missiles at themselves across the road, poor malnourished maybe poorly educated kids trying to distract themselves with the noise, their parents turning a blind eye because it meant they had less trouble to deal with. Compare that the invisible poorly defined but distinct differences between northern and southern Nigeria, the illiterate poor uninformed Boko Haramites, the recent vile bombings, and the stupid rational behind the violence, a weak unforgiving central government and the relative calm in the south hell bent on removing fuel subsidy. Recipe for disaster? Can’t really tell but I hope not for the sake of my unborn children.

Guess I’ve not been my usual cocky self, maybe that’s why I haven’t written on this page for a long while, maybe I finally realized it wasn’t all about the people governing us but the attitude of the people being lead- a docile, misguided, vicious and title-seeking populace seeking to reap where they didn’t sow, glorifying the wrong things and pushing forward the absurd. My country that rewards mediocrity and punishes merit, relegating talented professionals to the background as grumbling slaves deserves what? In this kind of environment, don’t blame anybody…the people have gotten the king of leadership they deserve and every bad thing we currently experience are burdens that we have to leave with not just the bombing. Sorry about that last comment but I was borrowing a leaf from our president, and I’m so bloody inspired to remain in this country and hang onto a ship that seems to be sinking (sarcasm intended and achieved). Try explaining that to the victims of the recent bombing in Madalla.

Absurd poster? so you thought...

Every blogger wants to feel like a prophet but I’m not happy remembering I mentioned something about northern Nigerian turning to Pakistan. If the current situation continues, maybe Boko Haram will stockpile enough weapons to mount a proper insurgency and then we’ll all be in trouble.

I think the country needs more than prayers this night, we even need something more than a revolution like the Arab spring, we need some mental revolution, some alteration of the way we reason and spit logic along ethnic and fake political party lines. And certainly we need to be better educated, not just in quantity but in quality. We also need a better healthcare system… sadly the government has failed in these departments, the private sector needs to step up, it’s not just about Dangote selling cement and popping up on the Forbes list.

So many things happened since I last wrote- Ojukwu’s dead, the planned fuel subsidy removal is causing trouble and the country’s leadership just got dumber.

huh? a bomb just went off... he he he, lol...this Boko Haram 'burden' self...abeg, where's the kitchen budget

And before I finally say happy New Year and you all go emotional weeping on my page, just remember that the transition to a New Year is just a number and all your stupid resolutions are just full of shit…some Greek scholar probably started the New Year on the day his mother died and we all picked it up. The point is… every day’s my new year, a new chance to make something right and not some dumb madness at midnight on some ordinary night.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL THE SAME! (Ha ha ha ha…till infinity…someone has to give the final evil laugh you know)

The state of the Nation

Considering how neglected and poorly updated this page is (i really need a partner, a co-blogger) , it's stale news by now that Jonathan Goodluck is the President of Nigeria. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad about it, I was the happiest person in Nigeria knowing that the election results were reflections of the will of the people. I was pleased that the ‘northern Mafioso’ were dismantled and frustrated but was sad when they expressed themselves in the way they knew best- violence and murder of the innocents.

Pushing that unsavory topic aside and looking back, down memory lane (my previous articles):

-          The younger male Saraki won indirectly (yeah, wag you fingers at me for being wrong but not so fast…). Yes, certainly I got my math wrong but the result was the same as predicted. A new godfather replaced the old one; the Willy old fox was enthroning his son in full pubic glare. They beautifully acted out the script of a Greek tale, a sort of modified story about Oedipus except that there was no incest. Now a Saraki crony or rather robot is lodged in a five star hotel called the government house rubber stamping their decisions.

-          The ‘Vision Pakistan 2014’ and the 'minimum development goals’ are fast coming true as predicted in the north. The multi-sectoral effort towards establishing a dark age era is moving forward it’s machinery oiled by apologetic governors, a sympathetic illiterate naive populace to mention just a few(tactically avoided mentioning a docile president) with Boko Haram in the driver's seat being prodded on by the Sultan. I’m beginning to have this creepy feeling that it would be better off if Nigeria split and we agree to the creation of an isolated northern ‘Naijastan’. 

I’m looking forward to the movie after the dust settles; I guess there will be lots of popcorn and soda to watch ‘HOW THE NORTH FINALLY DIVIDED NIGERIA’. The last time I checked, oil exploration around the Chad basin after gulping billions of dollars yielded only a drop and the educational/literacy level in the north was barely better than that in war-torn Somalia. so, the question is- who's actually losing?

It was pretty stupid bombing the UN office in Abuja and I keep on wondering whether these book haram fellas think from their butt. Are they truly affiliated to AL-Qaida? I ask because they think like rams- now they're on a worldwide scale, every terrorists dream and nightmare. Maybe one day, drones will be sweeping across northern Nigeria.  I laughed at them till I saw the pictures of dead and injured people being pulled from the rubble, their friends and families crying. Sad. Lack of blood at the health facilities compounded the issue, the public plea for blood donations was heart wrenching and shows how disorganized our health sector really is.

Now, to clear the air I admire Sanusi, our Central bank Governor, I feel he’s a bright chap and his work in the banking sector is far from over. The questions are- why concentrate so much on Islamic banking in an obviously sectional, secular and divisive country? Why did he give does nationalized banks names befitting of cemeteries and dead monuments like tombstone… oops! I meant keystone bank. Makes one wonder whether all those conspiracy theories were true since these actions are co-ordinated with the attempted ‘islamisation’ of Nigeria by Boko Haram.

And the finally, we were privileged to witness the public duel between two ex-dictators. Nobody should tell them to stop, it was welcome comic relief and exposition. we need them to talk more so that we'll finally know where all our money went to, a public 'Oputa' panel.

The Punch:: Obj vs IBB – we want more!

To summarize these prolonged rambling on this page, the questions political analysts are certainly asking are:

-          President Goodluck where are you? (the people are looking around)

Is that you Mr President? A guy name Boko Haram just knocked on the door

-          Do we have competent security agancies capable of infiltrating terrorists organizations rather then mounting roadblocks and collecting twenty naira?(mumbling in the audience)

twenty naira? walahi talai carry the bomb pass abeg

-          What will happen next?(silence)

As the elections draw near…

… Strange things start to happen as expected but some things were totally new.

Suddenly D’banj starts interviewing Presidents, exposing himself as the brainless insulting ‘head nodding ‘twat that he really is instead of the glorified don Jazzy enhanced personae of a stage hopper and crooner.  Last time I checked, I was a little above the age bracket classified as ‘youth’ but even hormonally charged teens would not want to be represented by someone that morose.

This 'endowed' man came close to 'touching' the President? Ewww... arrest him!

And as for President Goodluck… truly disappointed, I truly am ashamed. He bluntly insulted the sensibilities of millions of Nigerians and global viewers by boycotting an election debate about two days after that agonizing debacle with D’banj. And I wonder what he was hoping to achieve…hmmm. His media people and the people advising him are not good, simple. Maybe his bored kids were tugging at his sleeves demanding for D’banj. Maybe he couldn’t just communicate with his wife. Her ‘impeccable’ English was just too much for him to understand.

I was also surprised to see how calm, thoughtful and articulate Shekarau was during the debate and he was clearly the winner. Wonders shall never end but my instincts insist that he’s deceitful.

Ribadu sounded like a bragging child, the police man in him showing in spite of the big ‘Bariga’ or whatever that he was wearing. For all the media hype, he sounded like a broken record- evasive, loud, and rude. Certainly he not representing anybody young, damn man, you’re 50 years. The man’s in self-denial for thinking that ‘some ‘Nigerians are not corrupt. What was he saying about the process/system being corrupt again? I guess he should talk to Tinubu about how to corruptly ‘process’ Lagos state taxes and Lekki concession company. All I saw was a stooge.

Buhari was convincing and calm but he seemed like a man on a vengeance mission.  That was all I saw, it’s not like it’s the first and last time that he will be talking like that.

Anyway, I’m true with that boring lot, now to more lively stuff.

Did a tsunami occur in Akwa Ibom state? What the heck is going on there? The picture below got me thinking, alarmed till I realized that the cars were burnt though they were well arranged. Tsunamis don’t work like that and most of the scattered cars in the natural disaster didn’t have a blackened hull.

before...

after

Hard earned oil and tax payers’ money down the drain just like that so that some people could lay their sticky paws on other people’s money…We’re in trouble.

And to summarize the other spicy things happening, already blown open, about to blow or not, so as not to forget… some idiots saddled with some bombs blew themselves up on their way to initiate a bombing spree at a huge gathering; a sad ending for them on a highway to hell.

The drama/play by the ‘Amala’ political dynasty in Kwara state makes you wonder whether the people of the state are as dumb as the news reporters make them look on the sheets. From all I can see and deduce, it’s all a grand plan and the final result is the Gbemisola will replace Bukola. Which pikin papa dey deceive? Na only im own… they’re just trying to do it nicely.

nice family.... uhmmmmm... who's next for Governor?

Fashola's swiping the empty space above his head with the broom that tinubu gave him while he neglects his people dying from lack of proper healthcare as he dilly-dallies with the healthcare workers. I don't blame him, I blame the dying people who constantly coo about his good works. Common sense dictates that I don't need to thank a man for building roads and doing the job that he was statutorily elected to do and besides that, the tax bill in Lagos state is really good incentive. No wonder the PDP needs Lagos badly considering the dough that's fueling Tinubu's machinery.

Anyway, I expect more things to happen and I’ll keep on watching from the safety of my room, my eyes on my computer screen and I thank God that we don’t have natural disasters to contend with.

Ending it with a blast

Suddenly it’s Christmas and it’s amazing as the New Year approaches how this year swept by despite all the action. I’ll still have to delay that promised article about the ‘Nigerian mentality’, there’s a new menace in the air, new tension. Bangers, firecrackers, missiles…Bombs!

Some people have been playing with the wrong type of explosives this season and that’s to say that the persistent noise from the exploding fire crackers was not enough for them. I wasn’t there when it happened but it boomed out from the newspaper pages ‘BOMBS EXPLODE ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN JOS’ ‘BOMB EXPLODES AT PDP RALLY IN BAYELSA’. Very sad and strange developments, a lot of innocent Nigerians lost their lives because a few people a mixing religion and ethnicity with politics.  Things will never be the same again and suddenly I’m not so optimistic about 2011 and the forthcoming elections.

Nigerian criminals have always had a ‘seasonal’ attitude to things. Once one person starts a new criminal venture or new criminal method of doing business, the others latch onto it faster than the way small scurrying mice latch on to crayfish and it becomes the ‘in thing’ for a period of time before the next ingenious innovation surfaces. The term ‘Nigerian criminals’ used here is all encompassing- fraudsters, kidnappers, armed robbers, touts, miscreants and of course…those unruly men that constantly act like they need our votes. Nobody should quote me out of context and say that I’m pointing fingers at those unruly politicians but… everyone knows what I’m talking about.

So may criminal ‘seasons’ have passed and I remember when internet email scam was the thing, then kidnapping and militancy overtook it and it became ancient history. I know the point that bombs were introduced into the mix. It was on October 1^st 2010, just outside the eagle square Abuja with heads of state and other dignitaries seated inside. Very daring act indeed by Henry ‘robin hood’ Okah and company, very daring but it really lit up flames of possibilities in the minds of some unscrupulous Nigerians. I could sense their minds ticking then. Then the sudden discovery of a shipment of arms from Iran, only God knows how many that passed through unchecked.

Just today, at work I realized from the tales of my colleagues that kidnapping has finally arrived in the south west. Boko haram is busy wreaking havoc in Borno state with no resistance. I haven’t had a wink of power in my Lagos flat for a week and surely I don’t need to read the news to know why, someone must have bombed a gas station or fuel pipeline in the Niger delta.  I’m beginning to feel that we have a weak president and surely, there’s no doubt that we’re being ruled by donkeys, donkeys that take home at least three hundred million naira per quarter while the lowest worker fighting them for an 18000 naira salary. Shame.

who ever said presidency was all about declaring and soliciting for votes? my friend. wake up, be firm and clamp down

! 

The strange thing is that no one wants to see the truth, all we see is north and south, Christian or muslim, and this our annoying quota system that puts a cow ahead of you in the civil service just because his from…let me not say more.

sniff, sniff...wipes tears, "the north framed me...." busts into tears. but i plead guilty finally. where the heck is reddington hospital so that i can spend my jail time there?

It’s just like when the banking tsunami started and those M.D’s were sacked, people in my workplace were wailing that it was a northern agenda. I couldn’t blame them, some had huge investments in those banks but I remember the questions I asked them- didn’t this people really steal these monies? These  Monies that belonged to the ordinary poor people on the streets, small scale businesses. I don’t give a hoot about Dangote not getting a loan if the banks were indicted, I care about the food sellers, the vendors etc, the people that constitute the real economy and  who have their life saving in these institutions. If Erastus akingbola, Cecilia and co. were caught pants down in President Jonathan Goodluck’s wife’s bedroom, would they be wailing that they were being set up. Who removed there pants if not them. Punish the sin, not the stupid issues surrounding the sin. good bless lamido sanusi.

northern nigeria- 20- 'whatever'

You know, with the way things are going those wikileaks documents about Nigeria may actually come true. Nigeria may actually become so criminalized and sectionalized like Pakistan faster than they projected. We desperately need a strong ruler who can ruthlessly clamp down on these miscreants. Sadly, no ones in sight…

Birth of Naija Baby

I think I remember when it all started, don’t ask me how because I don’t know. To give you a clue, I’m talking of the acts of …hmmm that the old man and old lady perpetrated. They will later blame God for being the only being involved in bringing good old me to earth and forcing me into mum’s belly.

Hey don’t even go there, don’t go all moralistic on me now, that’s what produced you and them grown ups over there who think so well of themselves that they’re too blind to see; really stupid of them. Well that’s it for them, that’s all I can give them; they are not part of this esteemed discussion of future book-wrecked minds.

Before that unsavoury interlude, we were really talking about the nine month’s prelude to the moment when we all come out screaming in our first fear. Another unsavoury topic for some people but delightful to those involved.

Now back to that precarious moment- sudden bright lights, cold air, then I had squeezed my eyes shut denying the unknown my cries increasing in intensity as another being’s cries died down. I realised I had come out from in between that being’s legs and that I was supposed to call her mum in the future. Someone gripped the pipe-like connection to her with some metallic clamps. Ouch! A pair of scissors came in between us and pronto, I was I her arms.

hmmm...popsy, momsy think am....this na shortcut to american citizenship. adopt me!!!!

Well that was straightforward and I was lucky; the silent limp ones had to end up being suctioned with a tube down their nose, and also had to endure the harsh pummels and thumps of the midwives to knock off the dancing baron cemetery’s sickle that hugged their chest. For some it starts and ends there, for others you would finally hear a cry of mixed with anger and relief. I grabbed my mother, opened my eyes and cooed, grateful that I wasn’t in the WWE (world wrestling) stuff with the deadbeat matrons. She smiled, I grinned back like I meant it. A reciprocating nipple was shoved into my mouth and it squirted fluid nectar. I think that was the precise moment I fell in love for the first time and really meant my smiles. I sucked, grabbed and grappled with what was not mine. The old man standing by her side, peering into my face didn’t seem too happy so I relaxed a bit. ‘Easy boy’ I said to myself, ‘for the future you won’t want to start making enemies this early’.

But aren’t I supposed to be special for now? Damn it, I continued sucking greedily despite the pained look on his face.

I was hungry, the man should relax, he should be glad that he has a son not girl that will walk away with other men and still carry more babies. Ugh! God, I nearly choked, the man’s wicked thump was supposed to be an affectionate pat. The disgruntled element was using delay tactics and political acts of calumny on me. It was then I learnt to politick. I just opened my mouth and wailed like a really upset baby. It worked because she frowned and shooed him away. I happily returned to my feeding. He he he (laughter)…

mum! see dad staring. he jealous!

Suddenly someone with a gloved hand in blue hospital scrubs took me away and told my mother to rest. I cried and cried but she just leaned back and smiled. ‘Mum can’t you see? It’s a coup d’état’ I wailed.  I tried to grab her and missed. I was dropped in a cot, looking up at the most furrowed and crumpled female face I have ever seen in my short existence and come to think of it she was only intent on wearing on a diaper for me and dressing me. Guess the night traffic was heavy and she wanted to get her job done. That not withstanding she was a stupid moron, hadn’t she heard of mother and child bonding in her whole medical career. Jeez, my feelings were hurt, I was being marginalized.

hey nurse! yeah, i'm talking to you...where the heck is my vodka?

Come to think of it (considering how I ended up emotionally retarded and mentally pitiless), if I could, I would have sued for damages. He he he (laughter)… it’s all politics.

But on a serious note I loved my mother… and I’ll end with a poem dedicated to all women.

 The Rebirth

My molded clay trashes

through it every day, soaking

in its every way, taking

in wisdom’s liquid viscous gray.

Suddenly its mystical bubble’s ready to be bust,

Squishy-squashy goo the colour of rust,

when it ruptures which it must,

Truth will then rush in with a gust.

Now down through that tunnel of sublime care,

must withstand the muscle spasms at my rear,

pains that made Mother push something dear

to come out crying with her, my first and last tears for fear.

Rud Frost, December 2010.

'Vene'- in the beginning.... start with the truth

Some people may make opening statements like “I come in peace” and feel cool for being so obviously deceitful but I can’t pretend;   I do not come in peace. I actually am in tatters, my heart smothered by the anger I see around me and the overwhelming shame I feel because I am part of it all the mess... can’t really absolve myself of blame.

I’ve tried everything to make an impact, I’ve given up on violence, I’m not Guevara. I’m not a messiah, I’m no Moses, but I’ll do more than Aaron because I won’t merely speak…I’ll also laugh at all the wrong things I see around me and genuinely hope that things get better when I do that. Hope you share that spirit because I can’t stand crack heads who can’t take a joke. So here’s my debut piece… and if you don’t like it, chew on a high voltage transmission wire…

My country, Nigeria, is a good country to live in;

we have the happiest people in the world because we have no idea of what we should be 

gosh! we're so happy! am i supposed to be in school? nah, we like it this way...ignorance is bliss

1.      Efficient government-endorsed energy conservation that would shame the least industrialized countries. It’s too easy; you get the full benefit of living near the equator, brilliant sunlight and heating for most of the day and less gas and hydro- electrical energy

      You get anything you want as far as you know the right people and you have enough cowries to ‘grease’ the palms.

3.       You political leaders are touts, so less is expected from you in other to succeed e.g. make your bones by organizing a ballot box snatch

4.       People rarely sue; they’ll kneel and beg you for services that they’ve paid for while you abuse them.

5.       Looking at the bright side, our politicians are more flamboyant and ‘well remunerated’, they earn allowances that will make those erring British MPs blanch with envy for stealing a ‘few pounds’. it's not easy having 25% of the budget in your kitty.

are you all right in the head? just a few thousand pounds of tax payers' money and you're all wailing...LAWD! where can i apply for nigerian citizenship? they'll love me for saving money

 What about the bad side? Every nation can’t do without one: 

1.       Neo-colonialism thrives, foreign stuff sells, has anyone been to wikileaks?

2.       ‘Tax payers’ money’ has no meaning the ordinary individual, people don’t pay taxes and a single individual may receive or steal a block of money in one swoop like he won the lottery. Pray it’s gets to you and remember to thank the governor.

3.       The brilliant quota system that catapults a less qualified worker ahead of you

4.       The concept of eating the ‘national cake’ and trying to have it

5.       No one produces anything, ‘we import what we have and export what we don’t have’

6.       No one talks; we just shrug our shoulders, accept the situation and move ahead.

7.       The ordinary Nigerian wants to skip the country after spoiling it, a trait handed down by our shameful ancestors.

8. give a nigerian some 'big' money, and see how he pulls his weight with it.

you know who I be? I want it all and Dangote no fit try me

9.       We think ‘regionally’, our reasoning and logic blunted by issues like ‘north vs. south’, Muslim vs. Christians etc., all the while asking the wrong questions like- is that palm wine tapper from my village? I want him to be the next NNPC director; his ‘tapping’ skills may come handy.

Guess who I am? I'm from Northern Nigeria and i 'speak' for them-  we have old cargoes and confirmed killers and looters who must rule come 2012 hehe... 

 The list is not exhaustive, you can’t really list everything but the 6th ‘bad’ is the one I hate the most. I hate it so much that I can say much now without some humor before a throw a tantrum on this page. And believe me I’ll have a lot of truths to say about it when I yap again so let me assuage the expected vexation of my ‘enemies’ with the ‘un-seriousness’ of the next piece….

The speaker