Thursday, December 30, 2010

Ending it with a blast

Suddenly it’s Christmas and it’s amazing as the New Year approaches how this year swept by despite all the action. I’ll still have to delay that promised article about the ‘Nigerian mentality’, there’s a new menace in the air, new tension. Bangers, firecrackers, missiles…Bombs!
Some people have been playing with the wrong type of explosives this season and that’s to say that the persistent noise from the exploding fire crackers was not enough for them. I wasn’t there when it happened but it boomed out from the newspaper pages ‘BOMBS EXPLODE ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN JOS’ ‘BOMB EXPLODES AT PDP RALLY IN BAYELSA’. Very sad and strange developments, a lot of innocent Nigerians lost their lives because a few people a mixing religion and ethnicity with politics.  Things will never be the same again and suddenly I’m not so optimistic about 2011 and the forthcoming elections.
Nigerian criminals have always had a ‘seasonal’ attitude to things. Once one person starts a new criminal venture or new criminal method of doing business, the others latch onto it faster than the way small scurrying mice latch on to crayfish and it becomes the ‘in thing’ for a period of time before the next ingenious innovation surfaces. The term ‘Nigerian criminals’ used here is all encompassing- fraudsters, kidnappers, armed robbers, touts, miscreants and of course…those unruly men that constantly act like they need our votes. Nobody should quote me out of context and say that I’m pointing fingers at those unruly politicians but… everyone knows what I’m talking about.
So may criminal ‘seasons’ have passed and I remember when internet email scam was the thing, then kidnapping and militancy overtook it and it became ancient history. I know the point that bombs were introduced into the mix. It was on October 1st 2010, just outside the eagle square Abuja with heads of state and other dignitaries seated inside. Very daring act indeed by Henry ‘robin hood’ Okah and company, very daring but it really lit up flames of possibilities in the minds of some unscrupulous Nigerians. I could sense their minds ticking then. Then the sudden discovery of a shipment of arms from Iran, only God knows how many that passed through unchecked.
Just today, at work I realized from the tales of my colleagues that kidnapping has finally arrived in the south west. Boko haram is busy wreaking havoc in Borno state with no resistance. I haven’t had a wink of power in my Lagos flat for a week and surely I don’t need to read the news to know why, someone must have bombed a gas station or fuel pipeline in the Niger delta.  I’m beginning to feel that we have a weak president and surely, there’s no doubt that we’re being ruled by donkeys, donkeys that take home at least three hundred million naira per quarter while the lowest worker fighting them for an 18000 naira salary. Shame.
who ever said presidency was all about declaring and soliciting for votes? my friend. wake up, be firm and clamp down

The strange thing is that no one wants to see the truth, all we see is north and south, Christian or muslim, and this our annoying quota system that puts a cow ahead of you in the civil service just because his from…let me not say more.
sniff, sniff...wipes tears, "the north framed me...." busts into tears. but i plead guilty finally. where the heck is reddington hospital so that i can spend my jail time there?

It’s just like when the banking tsunami started and those M.D’s were sacked, people in my workplace were wailing that it was a northern agenda. I couldn’t blame them, some had huge investments in those banks but I remember the questions I asked them- didn’t this people really steal these monies? These  Monies that belonged to the ordinary poor people on the streets, small scale businesses. I don’t give a hoot about Dangote not getting a loan if the banks were indicted, I care about the food sellers, the vendors etc, the people that constitute the real economy and  who have their life saving in these institutions. If Erastus akingbola, Cecilia and co. were caught pants down in President Jonathan Goodluck’s wife’s bedroom, would they be wailing that they were being set up. Who removed there pants if not them. Punish the sin, not the stupid issues surrounding the sin. good bless lamido sanusi.
northern nigeria- 20- 'whatever'

You know, with the way things are going those wikileaks documents about Nigeria may actually come true. Nigeria may actually become so criminalized and sectionalized like Pakistan faster than they projected. We desperately need a strong ruler who can ruthlessly clamp down on these miscreants. Sadly, no ones in sight…

Monday, December 20, 2010

Birth of Naija Baby

I think I remember when it all started, don’t ask me how because I don’t know. To give you a clue, I’m talking of the acts of …hmmm that the old man and old lady perpetrated. They will later blame God for being the only being involved in bringing good old me to earth and forcing me into mum’s belly.
Hey don’t even go there, don’t go all moralistic on me now, that’s what produced you and them grown ups over there who think so well of themselves that they’re too blind to see; really stupid of them. Well that’s it for them, that’s all I can give them; they are not part of this esteemed discussion of future book-wrecked minds.
Before that unsavoury interlude, we were really talking about the nine month’s prelude to the moment when we all come out screaming in our first fear. Another unsavoury topic for some people but delightful to those involved.
Now back to that precarious moment- sudden bright lights, cold air, then I had squeezed my eyes shut denying the unknown my cries increasing in intensity as another being’s cries died down. I realised I had come out from in between that being’s legs and that I was supposed to call her mum in the future. Someone gripped the pipe-like connection to her with some metallic clamps. Ouch! A pair of scissors came in between us and pronto, I was I her arms.

hmmm...popsy, momsy think am....this na shortcut to american citizenship. adopt me!!!!

Well that was straightforward and I was lucky; the silent limp ones had to end up being suctioned with a tube down their nose, and also had to endure the harsh pummels and thumps of the midwives to knock off the dancing baron cemetery’s sickle that hugged their chest. For some it starts and ends there, for others you would finally hear a cry of mixed with anger and relief. I grabbed my mother, opened my eyes and cooed, grateful that I wasn’t in the WWE (world wrestling) stuff with the deadbeat matrons. She smiled, I grinned back like I meant it. A reciprocating nipple was shoved into my mouth and it squirted fluid nectar. I think that was the precise moment I fell in love for the first time and really meant my smiles. I sucked, grabbed and grappled with what was not mine. The old man standing by her side, peering into my face didn’t seem too happy so I relaxed a bit. ‘Easy boy’ I said to myself, ‘for the future you won’t want to start making enemies this early’.
But aren’t I supposed to be special for now? Damn it, I continued sucking greedily despite the pained look on his face.
I was hungry, the man should relax, he should be glad that he has a son not girl that will walk away with other men and still carry more babies. Ugh! God, I nearly choked, the man’s wicked thump was supposed to be an affectionate pat. The disgruntled element was using delay tactics and political acts of calumny on me. It was then I learnt to politick. I just opened my mouth and wailed like a really upset baby. It worked because she frowned and shooed him away. I happily returned to my feeding. He he he (laughter)…

mum! see dad staring. he jealous!

Suddenly someone with a gloved hand in blue hospital scrubs took me away and told my mother to rest. I cried and cried but she just leaned back and smiled. ‘Mum can’t you see? It’s a coup d’├ętat’ I wailed.  I tried to grab her and missed. I was dropped in a cot, looking up at the most furrowed and crumpled female face I have ever seen in my short existence and come to think of it she was only intent on wearing on a diaper for me and dressing me. Guess the night traffic was heavy and she wanted to get her job done. That not withstanding she was a stupid moron, hadn’t she heard of mother and child bonding in her whole medical career. Jeez, my feelings were hurt, I was being marginalized.
hey nurse! yeah, i'm talking to you...where the heck is my vodka?

Come to think of it (considering how I ended up emotionally retarded and mentally pitiless), if I could, I would have sued for damages. He he he (laughter)… it’s all politics.

But on a serious note I loved my mother… and I’ll end with a poem dedicated to all women.

 The Rebirth

My molded clay trashes
through it every day, soaking
in its every way, taking
in wisdom’s liquid viscous gray.

Suddenly its mystical bubble’s ready to be bust,
Squishy-squashy goo the colour of rust,
when it ruptures which it must,
Truth will then rush in with a gust.

Now down through that tunnel of sublime care,
must withstand the muscle spasms at my rear,
pains that made Mother push something dear
to come out crying with her, my first and last tears for fear.

Rud Frost, December 2010.

Friday, December 17, 2010

'Vene'- in the beginning.... start with the truth

Some people may make opening statements like “I come in peace” and feel cool for being so obviously deceitful but I can’t pretend;   I do not come in peace. I actually am in tatters, my heart smothered by the anger I see around me and the overwhelming shame I feel because I am part of it all the mess... can’t really absolve myself of blame.
I’ve tried everything to make an impact, I’ve given up on violence, I’m not Guevara. I’m not a messiah, I’m no Moses, but I’ll do more than Aaron because I won’t merely speak…I’ll also laugh at all the wrong things I see around me and genuinely hope that things get better when I do that. Hope you share that spirit because I can’t stand crack heads who can’t take a joke. So here’s my debut piece… and if you don’t like it, chew on a high voltage transmission wire…
My country, Nigeria, is a good country to live in;
we have the happiest people in the world because we have no idea of what we should be 
gosh! we're so happy! am i supposed to be in school? nah, we like it this way...ignorance is bliss

1.      Efficient government-endorsed energy conservation that would shame the least industrialized countries. It’s too easy; you get the full benefit of living near the equator, brilliant sunlight and heating for most of the day and less gas and hydro- electrical energy
      You get anything you want as far as you know the right people and you have enough cowries to ‘grease’ the palms.
3.       You political leaders are touts, so less is expected from you in other to succeed e.g. make your bones by organizing a ballot box snatch
4.       People rarely sue; they’ll kneel and beg you for services that they’ve paid for while you abuse them.
5.       Looking at the bright side, our politicians are more flamboyant and ‘well remunerated’, they earn allowances that will make those erring British MPs blanch with envy for stealing a ‘few pounds’. it's not easy having 25% of the budget in your kitty.
are you all right in the head? just a few thousand pounds of tax payers' money and you're all wailing...LAWD! where can i apply for nigerian citizenship? they'll love me for saving money

 What about the bad side? Every nation can’t do without one: 
1.       Neo-colonialism thrives, foreign stuff sells, has anyone been to wikileaks?
2.       ‘Tax payers’ money’ has no meaning the ordinary individual, people don’t pay taxes and a single individual may receive or steal a block of money in one swoop like he won the lottery. Pray it’s gets to you and remember to thank the governor.
3.       The brilliant quota system that catapults a less qualified worker ahead of you
4.       The concept of eating the ‘national cake’ and trying to have it
5.       No one produces anything, ‘we import what we have and export what we don’t have’
6.       No one talks; we just shrug our shoulders, accept the situation and move ahead.
7.       The ordinary Nigerian wants to skip the country after spoiling it, a trait handed down by our shameful ancestors.
8. give a nigerian some 'big' money, and see how he pulls his weight with it.
you know who I be? I want it all and Dangote no fit try me

9.       We think ‘regionally’, our reasoning and logic blunted by issues like ‘north vs. south’, Muslim vs. Christians etc., all the while asking the wrong questions like- is that palm wine tapper from my village? I want him to be the next NNPC director; his ‘tapping’ skills may come handy.
Guess who I am? I'm from Northern Nigeria and i 'speak' for them-  we have old cargoes and confirmed killers and looters who must rule come 2012 hehe... 

 The list is not exhaustive, you can’t really list everything but the 6th ‘bad’ is the one I hate the most. I hate it so much that I can say much now without some humor before a throw a tantrum on this page. And believe me I’ll have a lot of truths to say about it when I yap again so let me assuage the expected vexation of my ‘enemies’ with the ‘un-seriousness’ of the next piece….

The speaker