Some people may make opening statements like “I come in peace” and feel cool for being so obviously deceitful but I can’t pretend; I do not come in peace. I actually am in tatters, my heart smothered by the anger I see around me and the overwhelming shame I feel because I am part of it all the mess... can’t really absolve myself of blame.
I’ve tried everything to make an impact, I’ve given up on violence, I’m not Guevara. I’m not a messiah, I’m no Moses, but I’ll do more than Aaron because I won’t merely speak…I’ll also laugh at all the wrong things I see around me and genuinely hope that things get better when I do that. Hope you share that spirit because I can’t stand crack heads who can’t take a joke. So here’s my debut piece… and if you don’t like it, chew on a high voltage transmission wire…
My country, Nigeria, is a good country to live in;
we have the happiest people in the world because we have no idea of what we should be
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| gosh! we're so happy! am i supposed to be in school? nah, we like it this way...ignorance is bliss |
1. Efficient government-endorsed energy conservation that would shame the least industrialized countries. It’s too easy; you get the full benefit of living near the equator, brilliant sunlight and heating for most of the day and less gas and hydro- electrical energy
You get anything you want as far as you know the right people and you have enough cowries to ‘grease’ the palms.
3. You political leaders are touts, so less is expected from you in other to succeed e.g. make your bones by organizing a ballot box snatch
4. People rarely sue; they’ll kneel and beg you for services that they’ve paid for while you abuse them.
5. Looking at the bright side, our politicians are more flamboyant and ‘well remunerated’, they earn allowances that will make those erring British MPs blanch with envy for stealing a ‘few pounds’. it's not easy having 25% of the budget in your kitty.
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| are you all right in the head? just a few thousand pounds of tax payers' money and you're all wailing...LAWD! where can i apply for nigerian citizenship? they'll love me for saving money |
What about the bad side? Every nation can’t do without one:
1. Neo-colonialism thrives, foreign stuff sells, has anyone been to wikileaks?
2. ‘Tax payers’ money’ has no meaning the ordinary individual, people don’t pay taxes and a single individual may receive or steal a block of money in one swoop like he won the lottery. Pray it’s gets to you and remember to thank the governor.
3. The brilliant quota system that catapults a less qualified worker ahead of you
4. The concept of eating the ‘national cake’ and trying to have it
5. No one produces anything, ‘we import what we have and export what we don’t have’
6. No one talks; we just shrug our shoulders, accept the situation and move ahead.
7. The ordinary Nigerian wants to skip the country after spoiling it, a trait handed down by our shameful ancestors.
8. give a nigerian some 'big' money, and see how he pulls his weight with it.
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| you know who I be? I want it all and Dangote no fit try me |
9. We think ‘regionally’, our reasoning and logic blunted by issues like ‘north vs. south’, Muslim vs. Christians etc., all the while asking the wrong questions like- is that palm wine tapper from my village? I want him to be the next NNPC director; his ‘tapping’ skills may come handy.
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| Guess who I am? I'm from Northern Nigeria and i 'speak' for them- we have old cargoes and confirmed killers and looters who must rule come 2012 hehe... |
The list is not exhaustive, you can’t really list everything but the 6th ‘bad’ is the one I hate the most. I hate it so much that I can say much now without some humor before a throw a tantrum on this page. And believe me I’ll have a lot of truths to say about it when I yap again so let me assuage the expected vexation of my ‘enemies’ with the ‘un-seriousness’ of the next piece….
The speaker
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